oh, boy - got laid off today. And its summertime, how lucky can a girl get?
Big bright beautiful world, here I come! so watch out... hehe.

ok, so the word is "laid-back". Let is flow, go easy and don't bash 'em over the head with your superior knowledge and wisdom. heh, yes. exactly.
check out nycbloggers.com - 's pretty neat. Get yr ass listed - and be quick 'bout it!

my horoscope rocks today:
Sagittarius Horoscope (by astrocenter.com)
"Go with the flow" is your anthem for today, dear Sagittarius. You will find the freedom you seek by simply following the path of least resistance. There is no reason for you not to be happy. Life doesn't need to be difficult or complicated. The thing to remember is that you should be one hundred percent yourself. People will react to you the way they need to. Don't worry about their feelings - they are not your responsibility.

i'm going to check out Aceyalone @ S.O.B.'s tonite - and u should too. Bounce.

been so busy busy... writing, rhyming, listening to the beat, jumping to the beat, thinking to the beat, sleeping to the beat, awake to sleep... watching basketball on TV, thinking "is this me?"
writing, writing some more, to even the score, to beat them all to the punch, to say it - spray it - make 'em lose their lunch.
the editor loved my "feeling" column, so it seems that its going to be a regular installment type thang on a certain website -- more details to follow.

my new column for a website...

title: "Feeling"

"Its so stupid feeling like - you care about someone, despite yourself.
You know what I’m talking about. Remember? Its like you make this totally valiant effort NOT to - and its still there… your heart beating - needing it; needing love. The heart, oh my, this poor dear will latch onto anyone who so much as regularly shines a smile its way. The childish immature being - all it wants you to do is dream away, to imagine beautiful tomorrows, without regard to what YOU’d like to do or feel.
You’ve been there, man.
Perhaps you want to relax at home, take a bath, watch some basketball on TV - and suddenly that need, the sickness comes over you. "Where is she?" … ooooh "Where is he?" We wonder. We scratch our head. Grimace - hey, its not MY problem, not my concern. Hey, my FRIEND can do whatever she wants!… whatever he wants. I don’t care, and CAN’T care for these three very specific reasons - He’s slow. He’s - I don’t know - too old. And… he’s my dad’s brother… yes! That’s right - this can’t work… You know - she’s my roommate’s girlfriend… giving me the eye - in my own head. Staring, licking her lips; her wet pout driving me to… arhhhhg. What to do to forget?
Fuck.
That’s what I’ve been trying to do - just to relax, to forget,
to waste away the evening
in joyful meditation contemplation relaxation.
Yes - slipping deeper into the luxurious bubbles, popping open another can of bud as you settle deeper into the couch… a touch of lavender incense; the ashtray gloriously full with a fat J gently resting on top, and your pack of Camels lying byside. Baby, you’re all set! That’s right
- you are ready, to be yourself, to be comfortable and content watching those darn Lakers three-peat in the NBA Playoffs… breathing deeply the perfumes in the air, mmmmhhhmmmmm - and what’s that right there?
Oh… mmmwouldn’t it be nice… if the door opened and she walked in. No words would be needed - no gestures - he’d simply know what it is that I need… his touch, the succulent taste of her mouth, on mine. My hands on their back… feel fingers in my hair, sweetness in my limbs, numbness in my thoughts - the blow!
Ow!… Fuck!
What the fuck?
God, I don’t NEED to torture myself like this over someone who means nothing to me.
What purpose do these sick fantasies hold do you think? Is there any reasonable purpose?
When its no good, totally useless to imagine…
The taste, skin feel, the breath… Breath - yes... fuck, forgetting to breathe, I’m drowning wallowing in this ache, in this torturous muddy mess.
All I wanted was to chill - get stoned, watch TV, and forget to think about her - but I fucking can’t forget. Its a sickness that grips my retard of a heart - my moron of a heart - my absolute Tolstoy village idiot of a motherfucker - that beats like a Brazilian drum at the very idea of the sweet deep thought of him.

In,

within,

my heart beats - and I’m out here, trying to reason with the fucker."

whispering ceaselessly for you to release me
from this flower of captivity
where you trap me, where you tease me.
i glance up to the top, where hope and dope mix
interchange, add subtract - make me react in ways
i don't understand... i don't wish to... understand.

when you compliment, act mad, then repent
making me see red, see green, see blue... see through you,
i see the heart in you and it reflects me...
but can it be?
or is it some kind of virtual reality - interchanging
never ending, captive hoping, fruitlessly gyrating --
its... so ... fucking ... frustrating.
what?
you know the score - you see the top
your wish for rain that never came is here now
but you... remain... where you are.
play in the sun, my brother, my friend - my love...
Sunny showers are made for play,
for love, flowing out over our limbs as we sprint to the hidden playground
as we climb the glistening ladders up to the heavens...
up to forever...
up where we'll never ever forget the weather.
sunny showers are made for secret swings on the wings of... possibility.

reading creative nonfiction at Brevity 11.
about Cuba... about writing lab... the music of writing, the laughter of people.
I want to go... i want to get away... to fly away.

playoffs
just a few short days ago - there was hope. hope of a dethronement... hope for a non-Laker Playoffs Finale... but now - no more. I shall strive to come to terms with the yellow-Laker-dominated basketball future.
Bid farewell to a few of my favorite teams this season - the Mavericks, the Spurs... and in short order, the Kings as well.
My Nets and my Celts are wholly rockin it on tha East side - so at least I have that match-up to look forward to. I shall strive to place much much more stock in who is Eastern Conference Champion!

bloggitty-blog-blog. budz::
Congratudations to Alex for passin "tha test" and getting a "job"... hehe. 's about time. ;)

Thanks, Topics Blog!
do you pursue finding a romantic relationship, or do you just let it come at you when it does?
mmm. well, like everyone else on the third blue planet from the Sun I obsess endlessly over romantic possibilites... or usually the lack thereof. But when it comes to taking action, i find that I am invariably inconsistent. In the past, I've done plenty of "dumb things" - putting myself out on the limb, writing long torrid love/lust letters, and actually confessing my baser emotions to my crushees, and while I do NOT regret doing those things - I realize now that I might've been pushing the issue a tad much in those days... long ago... *dramatic sigh*
So currently I prescribe to the "let it happen" theory of romance. yep, just letting it happen. uh-huh. No pushing, no shoving, no grasping at straws, just chill... this has worked reasonably well - in that I have not gotten rejected very often. nor have i gotten much play...
but that's all right...
there's more to life than play...
oh jeez, - did I just say that? - must be gettin old.
:P

again over

trapped, snapped, once again - into the in-between
twisting in this space of things unsaid unseen.
weekend's comin up fast
hormones pumpin out strong
wonder how long i'll last
singing this same old song.

the whispers, the touches, the looks, and the sighs...
starting to blend, and to whither, to lie.
everything seemingly joyous and free
oh-so deceptive, - such prickly glee.
what moves shall i make - to affect my ship's course
what rules will i break? they all broke, - no remorse.

and glistening, listening to the bird there above
fortelling good fortunes, loves, stories, bliss, lust...
in my ear all Her promises ring, give me pause
what's the action, my friend, that will bring it all forth?
and the buzzing continues, and the doubts, and the dreams
all swirling and crashing in that space in-between.

today has not been the most upliftingly delightful day, but... that's just how it is. Last night I finished reading The Best a Man Can Get by John O'Farrell, and I have a little bit of a better understanding of family dynamics... gotta take the good with the bad, suck it up, live through it, have good times, relax... everything my Mom always said.

NBA info
The Mavericks-Kings game was great last night. The Mavs got off to a good start at the start of the game, but then Mike Bibby went at it, and the Kings advanced to a 10 point lead by the middle of the second quarter. This game was super intense, the officiating was quite fair and all the players looked winded by the beginning of the fourth quarter... all the players except Steve Nash of course. He really turned it on in the fourth - and carried the Mavs on his back to the disdain, disappointment and disbelief of the roudy crowd at Arco Arena. Those Kings fans are so used to their team winning at home (the Kings had the best home record in the NBA this season) - but regardless of that, the Mavericks took home a victory. Games 2 and 3 are at Dallas, so we'll have to stay tuned to see how this story unfolds.

--hey, would anyone mind if I posted an email I wrote to my sister? she's in Spain, and I'm missing her something fierce. -- no? - ya sure? I wouldn't want to bore ya? - oh, ok. here goes. I'll edit a bit to make it more palatable. Bon apetit!--

oh, janey-jane!
I'm so happy to hear from you.
What a way to start my Monday morning. :)
Not that I mind that its monday morning... no i actually enjoy the faux sense of purpose I feel at having to get up in the morning, put on clothes, brush my teeth and show up to commune with my cubicle and trusty computer-friend. I actually have work to do this week - will this excitement never END? please....
My weekend... in case anyone asks... was relaxing, chill and uneventful. not fraught with self-doubt, then exhilliration, then back to self-doubt - this rollercoaster is making me nauseous - maybe i should contact the technician about a way to get off. (ew - i didn't mean it THAT way!)

NBA newz
Boston lost to Detroit @ Detroit - but Greg assures me that home court isn't nearly as important in the second round as it was in the first.
The Nets beat the Hornets - yeee!
and LA beat the Spurs in an atrocious game - that resembled my life in its ups and downs - the Spurs led the entire game, and first Shaq was injured (yipee!) and slinked off to the locker room, then KOBE was injured and HE was led back to their den of evil magic - the Dark Force is strong in that one... so you'd think that YAY, with both Shaq and Kobe injured one may rejoice... but NOOOOOOOOO - they both came back, and the boys in yellow won the game... it was disgusting.

i saw "Spiderman" with Gaia and Myles on Saturday - it was pretty good, except for the cheesy parts... I find that I have an extra-low tolerance for cheese these days - IS it PMS? hmmmm... there were a few moments during the movie when i was cringing and wondering if something is seriously wrong with me. everyone else at the theater - including Myles and Gaia - seemed totally googlie-eyed and slap-happy to hear Tobey McGuire intone to a brassily red-haired Kirsten Dunsts - "love you... like the stars love the sky, and april showers love the sidewalk, and puppies and kittens, and BARF BARF BARF" - you get the idea.

ok... but anyway, my weekend was actually nice, i did not allow myself ONCE to go further than an inch down into the pit of despair - I know the way well and do not wish to dwell there, at'all.
yep...
i was thinking how lucky i was to have a beautiful apartment, with a roof - where I lay tanning for an hour yesterday - nice roommates (hey now, some of 'em ARE nice), a comfy-soft bed, with a warm electro-blanket, and HBO, and myself! yeah, i was just glad to be myself this weekend. But let me tell ya - what I'm learning is - yeah, i have fun when i'm by myself, and its nice sometimes - but I will NOT be one of those ppl who long for a "break" from their family, or their boyf/girlf... i will not be one of those ppl who - while in a relationship - are bemoaning the loss of their singlehood "God, I wish I were single again. I used to have SUCH a ball!" umm... NO. I think not. I've learned that no matter how annoying your loved-ones may be - they are better than being alone. and even when things aren't going well in one's relationship - i'd prefer to FIGHT and BITCH and MOAN to/at/about someone - rather than think of interesting ways to redecorate my room, or stoned-watching "Blue Planet" on the Discovery Channel for hours on end... or even watching basketball.
yes - those things are fun, but I really do prefer to do 'em all with OTHERS of a like mind.
ok, 'nuff rambling about my staggering life-realizations.... sorry i'm so long-winded, i think its the lack of close contact with ppl who actually care what i say. (Mom would't listen, she mumbled something about having to go - and hung up the phone. Hey, I understand, - I might not listen to myself either if I had a choice.)

habla espanol bueno, chikitita?
how's the food?

love,
your emotiotronic cheesaphobic melancholicious Margarita

i am 23 years and 5 months old today. happy non-birthday to me!

NBA Playoff Action
man, what a day what a day yesterday. Some EXCELLENT basketball action - watching the Nets Pacers Game 5 first round series - the deciding game. It really went down to the wire. and Reggie Miller kept hitting those inTENSE shots - first he banked a seemingly impossible three pointer to send the game into overtime, and then he drove to the basket for a monster dunk (how uncharacteristic) to propell the proceedings into DOUBLE overtime. Finally the Nets - led by the unflappable Jason Kidd - were able to put it away: 120 - 109. Phew - we can all breathe easy now... well, at least until TONIGHT... crucial game 5 - 76ers @ Boston. Oh, man, I'm nervous already, and its more than 6 hours till tip-off.

I'm fine. How are you? Oh, nothin... just chillin. well, I found this great site -- Cat and Girl, damn, just plain brilliant. Check it out, why dontcha?

what it is

cookies and cakes,
pies, frosted flakes,
strawberry tarts,
and tart lemon squares,
chocolate pudding,
and one big hershey's kiss--
these are all things
that you'll surely miss
when you leave
out the door
you'll be sorry
i know
like so many before
you'll crawl back
and want more
just one more little taste
of the sugary sweet
the candycane bubblegum
cherry-pie treat.